IDK, my BFF...?

Lately I've had about 5 friends get engaged or married, and have seen some other friends react in a rather surprising "why not me?" fashion. I've just been happy for my friends and their new-found commitments. However, in the last few weeks I've really started to let it sink in, and I've felt the "why not me?" sensation, just not in the usual sense. I'm not sad that I'm not married. I'm happy with my relationship status where it is. What has made me feel mildly depressed is all the wonderful photos of bride's maids having parties, brides calling upon their closest friends to stand by them on such a great and life-altering day. Then there is the dreaded word that I have found fuels my general malaise: Maid of Honor.

After racking my brain, I can't think of a single person who I could ask to be my maid of honor. At least, not one who wouldn't be completely confused and wonder why I don't have any closer friends. Sure, it would be an honor to even be asked to be a maid of honor, but there's no one in my life I can think of who would already know they'd be it before I even asked. Now, I'm not writing this so people can feel sorry for me, or say "oooh, I'll be your maid of honor, dear". That's not what I'm looking for. You've heard of "Always the bride's maid, never the bride?" What about the countless girls out there who are always the bride's maid, never the maid of honor? What about those of us who have so many friends, but not one person who we can call our best friend, and who calls us that back. I've been the perpetual third wheel, not to a couple, but to a pair of best friends. I wouldn't trade in my friendships for the world, but where does the line rest that keeps me from crossing that threshold into best-frienddom?

Sure, there have been people I've called my best friend throughout life. Plenty in elementary school that I called mine, but didn't call me theirs. It sounds awkward, but, somehow, it worked out. I got what I needed out of them, they got what they wanted out of me. I had a real best friend in middle school, but that was short-lived before our differing personalities slowly, but kindly, drifted apart. Then there was one throughout high school. She really was a best friend for 4 years. We were a pair, attached at the hip. We called each other old ladies in teenaged bodies, old souls with an instant connection. It wasn't long after we began college that we started to grow apart. We were just spending too much time together, and not letting each other grow into our own, a process I saw coming but she didn't. This one ended in the biggest blow-up and worst day of my life. I had hoped we would find each other again some day, when she realized what had happened was a petty fight that has to happen in every close relationship and not anyone's fault, but that never happened. We haven't spoken to this day, and it makes me a little sad each time I see "best friends forever" posted anywhere or written on a teenager's notebook, or hanging off their neck. It is especially so when I see these connections later on in life, watching women share milestones with each other.

What is it that keeps some of us from making this connection again... or at all? When I get married, who will be my maid of honor? In all honesty, I probably won't have one. Just a string of bride's maids, all loved, but none loving me back as much as that one position denotes. How do we make room for those without a pair, or third, as many best friendlets tend to take form. Can society make it "okay" for a girl to have a pool of light friendships? It should, but it's not what I want. What I want is to pass that damn threshold I can't find.

It isn't really much of a surprise, considering that I'm awful at keeping touch with people after they move away. I'm trying my best to actually make an effort now, I know it's been my own fault in the last couple of years. I let myself fall into a comfort zone. I let myself forget that if you don't throw yourself out there, there's nothing to gain. I let myself think I was getting old and awkward for the circle of friends I have, most of them a few years younger than I and still in college, while I'm in that boring wormhole of the working world. I now find myself trying to dig my way out, but very few chances to get close to someone remain. I still have a good group, a lot of them male. Unfortunately, it's kind of necessary to divulge secrets and inner thoughts to get closer to a friend, and I don't feel comfortable doing that. I've seen it cause a lot of trouble in recent years, and it scares me. If you tell your best friend that someone hurt you, it may hurt your best friend even more. They may not forgive that person even after you have. A disconnect. What if they see me differently? I find it a bit easier to reveal these thoughts to men than women, mostly because I can put it under the guise of complaining or bitching, which I find more accepted among them, oddly enough.

So, maybe some of us have always been on the bride's maid track, trying so hard to jump off and reach the maid of honor's coveted spot. Am I bound to have lots of friends, and not a best one, just like I'm good at lots of things but not great at a single one? Maybe those like me have to learn it's acceptable. Or maybe we need to learn to let go, jump in, and see if there's another best-friendless girl still out there looking for us.