One Test Every Married (Or Soon-to-Be) Couple Should Take

As part of our pre-marriage classes at the United Church of Gainesville, our minister suggested we take the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test. I've taken the test online myself, but it made a huge difference to have someone lead you through the implications of being your particular personality type. There are also books and plenty of websites that give tips on applying the personality types to conflict resolution. In addition to learning a bit about each other, I feel like I learned a lot about myself. It definitely helped me understand why E does the certain things he does, as well as why I do the completely confusing things I sometimes do.

The Meyers-Briggs test rates personalities, or temperaments, based on 4 indicators: Extrovert/Introvert, Intuitive/Sensing, Thinking/Feeling, and Judging/Perceiving. Here is a good link to take the test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp . I highly recommend both you and your partner take it! What follows is a little more information about the test metrics. This is a long one, so you can skip below to read about our score and what it meant to our relationship.

Extrovert/Introvert - The Energy Preference
This indicator is based on how you fuel yourself and your mind. Do you use good conversations with a big group of people as a way to sort out your thoughts, or do you focus inwardly? Many people think this preference measures whether you are shy or outgoing, but it's really not about that. It's about where you get your mental energy.

Intuitive/Sensing - The Information Gathering Preference
This indicator measures how you process information from the outside world. Intuitives see the big picture and pick up on cues and hunches. Basically, they can "read between the lines." Sensors process data. They take in concrete information through their senses and are very practical.

Thinking/Feeling - The Deciding Preference
This indicator measures how you make your decisions, whether it is based on what you think (logic) or what you feel (priorities, values).

Judging/Perceiving - The Living Preference
This final indicator measures how you manage your life and your time. Judgers are structured and organized. They use planners and are goal oriented. Perceivers prefer to keep their options open and not have predetermined schedules. They value the journey rather than the end goal.

Our Results!
I turned out to be an INFP, while E is an ISTJ. Oddly enough, this was the same as our minister's marriage, except switched. He is the INFP while his wife is the ISTJ.

ISTJ (E- my fiance)
-Respects the way things have been done before, the "right" way to do things
-Enjoys being organized
-Are loyal, careful, hardworking, and persevering
-Do what they see as right and expect others to do the same
-Honor their commitments
-Are calm in a crisis

INFP (me)
-Devoted, compassionate, open-minded
-Dislikes schedules and deadlines, likes making decisions in the moment
-Likes learning and is easily absorbed in their projects
-Sets high standards for self and others
-Idealistic, sensitive, and creative
-Can be reserved and contemplative

I definitely saw truth in our personality descriptions. While we both scored high in the "Introverting" category, it is interesting to note that when a couple has one indicator the same, one member of the couple tends to gravitate in the opposite direction over time to create balance. We have already seen that in E, because he can become quite extroverted at times when I am at my most introverted.

ISTJs dislike disorganization. I have seen this in E especially through wedding planning. I pretty much blurt out whatever I am thinking whenever it pops into my mind, so I would randomly bring up wedding-related topics throughout the day. It frustrated E to no end, and he would become uneasy. I finally learned that is because if we're going to talk about wedding things, it needs to be in an organized fashion. I needed to pick a time of day that worked for both of us and get all of the wedding talk out at once, instead of bombarding him throughout the day. I still have trouble following that formula, but I think I've made some strides to keep E happy.

E is definitely practical, another ISTJ trait, and he likes things done the way you are "supposed" to do them. There was actually a little drawing on our pamphlet of a woman holding up a toothpaste tube to an ISTJ man while she said, "I promise to always squeeze the toothpaste the 'right' way." I laughed out loud when I saw it - we have definitely had this conversation! It's a pet peeve of E's when I squeeze the toothpaste from wherever the hell I feel like it. It seems trivial, but if I can do something so small to make him even minutely happier, I will. So now I squeeze from the bottom instead.

INFPs (me) are basically described as you would a hippie, but even more chill. Unlike the traditional stereotype of a "hippie," INFPs don't feel the need to impose their values on others. Whenever we have religious or political conversations, E seems to want me to argue my point and present evidence, as an ISTJ focused on facts would want. In my mind, I am perfectly happy describing my POV and then letting the argument go. You can agree or disagree and I feel it is unlikely that anything I say will change that - either way, most of my opinion will likely be based on feelings and vibes (oh no, that dreaded v-word!) instead of details and evidence.

Since I like the "big picture," I often don't see facts that are right in front of me. I tend to completely ignore obvious details. For example, if I'm looking for the restroom in an unfamiliar place, I am more likely to think of where a restroom would most likely be and look where people seem to be walking alone, while completely ignoring the giant sign that says "RESTROOMS" on the other side of the building. E is definitely the GPS in our relationship. I'm more of a kite that floats wherever the wind feels strongest.

INFPs will often spend too much time considering options or possibilities without acting on them. You wouldn't believe the amazing things I've accomplished... in my head. I spend so much time thinking about what I could do that I end up not doing anything at all. The Libra in me comes into play here, too. I can narrow anything down to 2 options, but I'll get stuck there because I will see the positive and negative in both and become unable to distinguish one as better than the other.

I've learned so much through these classes and I feel this information will definitely help E and I take a step back in any disagreement and think, "What is making him/her come to this conclusion?" I think we can appreciate each other and our differences more. E can feel free to let the strengths of an ISTJ shine; being diligent, practical, precise, logical, dependable, dutiful, sensible, orderly, steady, thorough, hardworking, and persevering. I learned that I need to nurture and appreciate the INFP's strengths of idealism, empathy, creativity, sensitivity, self-reflection, compassion, originality, adaptability, and curiosity. In other words, I now have an excuse to embrace my inner hippie.

So, take the Myers-Briggs test and let me know what you score (in the comments is best)! I have a few summaries our minister gave us that might be helpful in using your personality type to your (and your partner's) advantage.