Lately I've had about 5 friends get engaged or married, and have seen some other friends react in a rather surprising "why not me?" fashion. I've just been happy for my friends and their new-found commitments. However, in the last few weeks I've really started to let it sink in, and I've felt the "why not me?" sensation, just not in the usual sense. I'm not sad that I'm not married. I'm happy with my relationship status where it is. What has made me feel mildly depressed is all the wonderful photos of bride's maids having parties, brides calling upon their closest friends to stand by them on such a great and life-altering day. Then there is the dreaded word that I have found fuels my general malaise: Maid of Honor.
After racking my brain, I can't think of a single person who I could ask to be my maid of honor. At least, not one who wouldn't be completely confused and wonder why I don't have any closer friends. Sure, it would be an honor to even be asked to be a maid of honor, but there's no one in my life I can think of who would already know they'd be it before I even asked. Now, I'm not writing this so people can feel sorry for me, or say "oooh, I'll be your maid of honor, dear". That's not what I'm looking for. You've heard of "Always the bride's maid, never the bride?" What about the countless girls out there who are always the bride's maid, never the maid of honor? What about those of us who have so many friends, but not one person who we can call our best friend, and who calls us that back. I've been the perpetual third wheel, not to a couple, but to a pair of best friends. I wouldn't trade in my friendships for the world, but where does the line rest that keeps me from crossing that threshold into best-frienddom?
Sure, there have been people I've called my best friend throughout life. Plenty in elementary school that I called mine, but didn't call me theirs. It sounds awkward, but, somehow, it worked out. I got what I needed out of them, they got what they wanted out of me. I had a real best friend in middle school, but that was short-lived before our differing personalities slowly, but kindly, drifted apart. Then there was one throughout high school. She really was a best friend for 4 years. We were a pair, attached at the hip. We called each other old ladies in teenaged bodies, old souls with an instant connection. It wasn't long after we began college that we started to grow apart. We were just spending too much time together, and not letting each other grow into our own, a process I saw coming but she didn't. This one ended in the biggest blow-up and worst day of my life. I had hoped we would find each other again some day, when she realized what had happened was a petty fight that has to happen in every close relationship and not anyone's fault, but that never happened. We haven't spoken to this day, and it makes me a little sad each time I see "best friends forever" posted anywhere or written on a teenager's notebook, or hanging off their neck. It is especially so when I see these connections later on in life, watching women share milestones with each other.
What is it that keeps some of us from making this connection again... or at all? When I get married, who will be my maid of honor? In all honesty, I probably won't have one. Just a string of bride's maids, all loved, but none loving me back as much as that one position denotes. How do we make room for those without a pair, or third, as many best friendlets tend to take form. Can society make it "okay" for a girl to have a pool of light friendships? It should, but it's not what I want. What I want is to pass that damn threshold I can't find.
It isn't really much of a surprise, considering that I'm awful at keeping touch with people after they move away. I'm trying my best to actually make an effort now, I know it's been my own fault in the last couple of years. I let myself fall into a comfort zone. I let myself forget that if you don't throw yourself out there, there's nothing to gain. I let myself think I was getting old and awkward for the circle of friends I have, most of them a few years younger than I and still in college, while I'm in that boring wormhole of the working world. I now find myself trying to dig my way out, but very few chances to get close to someone remain. I still have a good group, a lot of them male. Unfortunately, it's kind of necessary to divulge secrets and inner thoughts to get closer to a friend, and I don't feel comfortable doing that. I've seen it cause a lot of trouble in recent years, and it scares me. If you tell your best friend that someone hurt you, it may hurt your best friend even more. They may not forgive that person even after you have. A disconnect. What if they see me differently? I find it a bit easier to reveal these thoughts to men than women, mostly because I can put it under the guise of complaining or bitching, which I find more accepted among them, oddly enough.
So, maybe some of us have always been on the bride's maid track, trying so hard to jump off and reach the maid of honor's coveted spot. Am I bound to have lots of friends, and not a best one, just like I'm good at lots of things but not great at a single one? Maybe those like me have to learn it's acceptable. Or maybe we need to learn to let go, jump in, and see if there's another best-friendless girl still out there looking for us.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Means and Ends
How selfish must I be to start my own blog? I mean, really. Do I have any proven writing skill? Barely. Do I have anything interesting to say? How dare I. How dare anyone with a blog have the balls to publish their thoughts all willy-nilly. Yes, I said it. Willy-nilly, damn it. Well, it's too late now, isn't it? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry (sure, Jane, too) with internet access has a blog, this monstrosity of a public diary.
Right?
It took me a long time to finally decide to start a blog. Blogs have become so popular and easy that they gained and lost their mystique in my eyes within a span of 5 years. It wasn't until I saw a number of intelligent and useful food blogs that I decided it was okay to make my own. It's okay to join this growing mass of people who say, "Yes, my thoughts are unique and meaningful, and you should hear them." Or, well, read them. Over time, I came across plenty that provide help and community support for new mothers, troubled teens, the childless, the child-free, those distraught by loss, disease, or disability, and then some. This started the hamster wheels spinning (the hamster's name being Sugar, and she's adorable), and infinite other possibilities for my blog surfaced. My first thoughts being, of course, self-centered. I can further my artistic career, work on writing skills, get honest opinions about my editorial ability, share book reviews, recipes, fuss about life, entertain my friends, and... BREATHE! Whoo. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Yes, the blog has become an ultimate form of expression, the Web 2.0 version of the telephone and my best friends on 3-way calling. Blogs can do anything, and I thought, "I should get in on this."
So, why now? Why decide to make a blog long after it had amazed me with its potential? Simple. I couldn't think of a name... Sad, I know. Don't tell my friends. Honestly, though, it seemed every time I got a decent idea, someone already had it. Even worse, these people either didn't have a single post on their blog or hadn't posted in at least 3 years! How do you just take up valuable blog titles like that? Such waste! Once I thought of a decently catchy, memorable name, I snatched it up before the others could. "The others" being people who apparently sign up every good blog name they can think of and then refuse to write in them, or write gibberish like, "Hey, a blog! How do I work this thing?" Well, I might just be writing a glorified version of that.
What it all boils down to is a blog written by someone who is pretty good at a lot of things, but not really, amazingly great at any one thing. I expect I'll touch all sorts of topics, but I can't really say for sure. Food, restaurants, book reviews, my friends, my art, the newsworthy and the not-so-newsworthy will have a place here. My art pieces will even be up for grabs... mostly. Hopefully, this little spark catches on and I can feel satisfied that I have done my job as a blogging citizen.
Feel free to comment all over my blog. I want and need it. Comment the hell out of it, just don't be too nasty. Other people do have to read those comments. Email me if you want to be really nasty. If you don't know my personal email, then you probably shouldn't be so nasty to strangers. Also, please don't use anything here (writing, photos, whatever) without my permission or at least a shout out to this web page. Give me credit for what meager droplets get squeezed out in the process. Enjoy.
Right?
It took me a long time to finally decide to start a blog. Blogs have become so popular and easy that they gained and lost their mystique in my eyes within a span of 5 years. It wasn't until I saw a number of intelligent and useful food blogs that I decided it was okay to make my own. It's okay to join this growing mass of people who say, "Yes, my thoughts are unique and meaningful, and you should hear them." Or, well, read them. Over time, I came across plenty that provide help and community support for new mothers, troubled teens, the childless, the child-free, those distraught by loss, disease, or disability, and then some. This started the hamster wheels spinning (the hamster's name being Sugar, and she's adorable), and infinite other possibilities for my blog surfaced. My first thoughts being, of course, self-centered. I can further my artistic career, work on writing skills, get honest opinions about my editorial ability, share book reviews, recipes, fuss about life, entertain my friends, and... BREATHE! Whoo. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Yes, the blog has become an ultimate form of expression, the Web 2.0 version of the telephone and my best friends on 3-way calling. Blogs can do anything, and I thought, "I should get in on this."
So, why now? Why decide to make a blog long after it had amazed me with its potential? Simple. I couldn't think of a name... Sad, I know. Don't tell my friends. Honestly, though, it seemed every time I got a decent idea, someone already had it. Even worse, these people either didn't have a single post on their blog or hadn't posted in at least 3 years! How do you just take up valuable blog titles like that? Such waste! Once I thought of a decently catchy, memorable name, I snatched it up before the others could. "The others" being people who apparently sign up every good blog name they can think of and then refuse to write in them, or write gibberish like, "Hey, a blog! How do I work this thing?" Well, I might just be writing a glorified version of that.
What it all boils down to is a blog written by someone who is pretty good at a lot of things, but not really, amazingly great at any one thing. I expect I'll touch all sorts of topics, but I can't really say for sure. Food, restaurants, book reviews, my friends, my art, the newsworthy and the not-so-newsworthy will have a place here. My art pieces will even be up for grabs... mostly. Hopefully, this little spark catches on and I can feel satisfied that I have done my job as a blogging citizen.
Feel free to comment all over my blog. I want and need it. Comment the hell out of it, just don't be too nasty. Other people do have to read those comments. Email me if you want to be really nasty. If you don't know my personal email, then you probably shouldn't be so nasty to strangers. Also, please don't use anything here (writing, photos, whatever) without my permission or at least a shout out to this web page. Give me credit for what meager droplets get squeezed out in the process. Enjoy.
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